In my last post I delved into my past. I layed that post out honestly and came face to face with a stumbling block that I knew was there and had to be addressed before I could continue on with my new path.
I was stuck. I was stuck in the past. I was stuck in my last hell hole of a relationship.
I continued to stay in touch with her. I was trying to fix things and go back to a time when we could be together again. It cant happen. She wont let it happen. I cant let it happen. Ive had to move on. In a dark place somewhere deep inside I will always Love her. I will lock it in that dark place never to be seen or felt again.
Ive heard it called oneitis and today I have taken the necessary steps to close the door. Pics, Letters, contacts, texts, numbers, and any mementos have been either deleted where necessary or put in a deep, dark corner to be left for the reminisces of old age.
Its over. Finally.
Now to the future.
11.28.2008
11.25.2008
Here to There and Back Again
Before I can get to a new start I need to address and move past a part of my old self. I was reading the forum of the system I am studying and realized that I have a few issues to address that cannot make this new journey with me. In the process of reading two amazing posts I have come to to a new realization and learned a new term. Before we get to what I learned, I need to fill in some back story on how I got here in the first place.
In the winter of 1998 I was a young, supremely confident, aspiring pro athlete. I was living far from home. I was not without my problems but I felt like the world was mine. Two things happened that year that I have allowed to define me ever since. The first was that after an idyllic childhood my parents divorced. There were very few hints as I grew up but no attention was paid by me or my sibling. I learned about the divorce and the reasons behind it while I was living afar. While I was certainly old enough to understand that these things happen I missed the after effects and the role my father played. While I was away my sibling, who still lived at home, was dealing with some harsh realities and learning some uncomfortable truths. Truths that would eventually dawn on me and shed light into aspects of my life.
The second was that I met a woman. At the time I was dating frequently and I use the term dating loosely. I was very confident and was starting to get known in the area for my athletic talents so women were no problem. However this chick was different and I started dating her almost exclusively. The attraction was instant, however the early going was very rough and full of problems. I ended up moving in with her once my roommates and I were evicted, thanks to my actions, and that's when my life changed. We soon decided to run from our problems and the heavy party life of the area. A move which I was nowhere near ready to make. The move had a profound effect on me. For one it ended my athletic dreams as my sport was very location important on a Pro level. The other was that I was a strange man in a new strange land. I had never been to this area and it was thousands of miles from anything I had ever known. I went from being a minor rock star to being a nobody with what I thought at the time was nothing. No talents, No Money, No job prospects (I dropped out of school with a GED).
We were together for four or five years after we met and moved. Because of my immaturity and her hard past, which she could not shake, Things went downhill very fast. I became an unhappy, unmotivated, selfish boy who could only think of the past and what I thought I had lost. I lived in the past. Every morning waking up I could only think of what I would be doing if I still was an athlete. Every night I dreamt of my sport and my past life. With every morning and every dream I became depressed and angry. With every passing day I was becoming more unattached to the realities of the present. I became a demon. I became a demon to her. Like fools we stayed together.
I had moved back to my birthplace. Things blew up and over between her and I. (The end was so ugly that I still have nightmares from it) Then I woke up and the demon left. I was home and confronting the failed realities of my parents relationship, my life, and my failed relationship.
I was awake only briefly and then I let the confrontations of those problems define me to the ghost and dreams of 'what if'. I was in the past again but this time I was no demon, worse, I became a ghost buster. A weakling. I started chasing the ghosts of the past to fix them.
To be Continued...
In the winter of 1998 I was a young, supremely confident, aspiring pro athlete. I was living far from home. I was not without my problems but I felt like the world was mine. Two things happened that year that I have allowed to define me ever since. The first was that after an idyllic childhood my parents divorced. There were very few hints as I grew up but no attention was paid by me or my sibling. I learned about the divorce and the reasons behind it while I was living afar. While I was certainly old enough to understand that these things happen I missed the after effects and the role my father played. While I was away my sibling, who still lived at home, was dealing with some harsh realities and learning some uncomfortable truths. Truths that would eventually dawn on me and shed light into aspects of my life.
The second was that I met a woman. At the time I was dating frequently and I use the term dating loosely. I was very confident and was starting to get known in the area for my athletic talents so women were no problem. However this chick was different and I started dating her almost exclusively. The attraction was instant, however the early going was very rough and full of problems. I ended up moving in with her once my roommates and I were evicted, thanks to my actions, and that's when my life changed. We soon decided to run from our problems and the heavy party life of the area. A move which I was nowhere near ready to make. The move had a profound effect on me. For one it ended my athletic dreams as my sport was very location important on a Pro level. The other was that I was a strange man in a new strange land. I had never been to this area and it was thousands of miles from anything I had ever known. I went from being a minor rock star to being a nobody with what I thought at the time was nothing. No talents, No Money, No job prospects (I dropped out of school with a GED).
We were together for four or five years after we met and moved. Because of my immaturity and her hard past, which she could not shake, Things went downhill very fast. I became an unhappy, unmotivated, selfish boy who could only think of the past and what I thought I had lost. I lived in the past. Every morning waking up I could only think of what I would be doing if I still was an athlete. Every night I dreamt of my sport and my past life. With every morning and every dream I became depressed and angry. With every passing day I was becoming more unattached to the realities of the present. I became a demon. I became a demon to her. Like fools we stayed together.
I had moved back to my birthplace. Things blew up and over between her and I. (The end was so ugly that I still have nightmares from it) Then I woke up and the demon left. I was home and confronting the failed realities of my parents relationship, my life, and my failed relationship.
I was awake only briefly and then I let the confrontations of those problems define me to the ghost and dreams of 'what if'. I was in the past again but this time I was no demon, worse, I became a ghost buster. A weakling. I started chasing the ghosts of the past to fix them.
To be Continued...
The Goal, Part III
As I started to try and plan for a reachable goal I ran into a problem of how much time I can put into the PUA part of my plan.
I have broken my life planning down to three parts Health, Wealth, and Women. Most of what I blog about here is the Women part. Unfortunately I have 24 hours in a day and three major chunks of my life to prioritize and refine.
The first priority for now has to be Wealth. I have a start-up business that I want to be my main wealth vehicle. Owning a business, especially a new one can be a 24/7 job if your so inclined. There is always something that you can be working on. (I should know as this is not my first start-up) Add to that fact a family business that I must work because I do not have the funding to go full time on the my newest venture. That adds up to a major chunk of my day, not to mention life, that is currently spent at work.
The second priority has to be Health. I am an active person and pride myself on my athleticism. I am also an adrenaline junkie. However, I do not eat right, nor do I take care of my body in the way that I should.
Last and, literally, least, is Women. Hell, I have more money and food then women and my wallet and fridge are looking pretty bare.
The Problem comes when I try to put all of this together. Just thinking about my PUA goals tonight made me realize that setting and making a reachable goal is not just dependant on how much time I am willing to devote to the arts. It literally is dependant and subject to the other aspects of my life. In order to be successful at something you must be willing to put in the time. And time it takes to master anything. You can not half-ass something and expect to excel, just as you can not serve too many masters.
That is my conundrum.
I have broken my life planning down to three parts Health, Wealth, and Women. Most of what I blog about here is the Women part. Unfortunately I have 24 hours in a day and three major chunks of my life to prioritize and refine.
The first priority for now has to be Wealth. I have a start-up business that I want to be my main wealth vehicle. Owning a business, especially a new one can be a 24/7 job if your so inclined. There is always something that you can be working on. (I should know as this is not my first start-up) Add to that fact a family business that I must work because I do not have the funding to go full time on the my newest venture. That adds up to a major chunk of my day, not to mention life, that is currently spent at work.
The second priority has to be Health. I am an active person and pride myself on my athleticism. I am also an adrenaline junkie. However, I do not eat right, nor do I take care of my body in the way that I should.
Last and, literally, least, is Women. Hell, I have more money and food then women and my wallet and fridge are looking pretty bare.
The Problem comes when I try to put all of this together. Just thinking about my PUA goals tonight made me realize that setting and making a reachable goal is not just dependant on how much time I am willing to devote to the arts. It literally is dependant and subject to the other aspects of my life. In order to be successful at something you must be willing to put in the time. And time it takes to master anything. You can not half-ass something and expect to excel, just as you can not serve too many masters.
That is my conundrum.
11.24.2008
The Goal, part II
After reading my last post again I think I made the mistake of setting the bar to high for my first goal.
While being a master is something I want to achieve and believe I can achieve, I think that starting with that as my goal might make it easy for me to fail or burn out quickly. Its like setting a goal that in one year I want to be driving a Ferrari, then after 3 months of driving my Corolla the goal of owning a Ferrari starts to feel very far away and impossible. If you look at the weight loss industry you see that is very dependent on helping people achieve weight loss goals. If you look at how the various companies set goals for clients you can see results oriented goal planning in action. They ask how much you want to lose and then set a reachable goal. For instance if you want to lose 100 pounds they don't start off telling you that your going to lose it in a week they set a reachable healthy goal of a few pounds per week for a year or whatever.
I need a specific, measurable, and reachable goal to start.
That will be my next post.
While being a master is something I want to achieve and believe I can achieve, I think that starting with that as my goal might make it easy for me to fail or burn out quickly. Its like setting a goal that in one year I want to be driving a Ferrari, then after 3 months of driving my Corolla the goal of owning a Ferrari starts to feel very far away and impossible. If you look at the weight loss industry you see that is very dependent on helping people achieve weight loss goals. If you look at how the various companies set goals for clients you can see results oriented goal planning in action. They ask how much you want to lose and then set a reachable goal. For instance if you want to lose 100 pounds they don't start off telling you that your going to lose it in a week they set a reachable healthy goal of a few pounds per week for a year or whatever.
I need a specific, measurable, and reachable goal to start.
That will be my next post.
11.22.2008
The Goal
While I don't consider myself a shy person, quite the opposite, I actually consider myself an outgoing person. I am talkative and outgoing but i do have difficulties with women. My confidence is shattered after a bad relationship and the after affects of clinging to that relationship and the damage and indignities it has caused. I want to learn to be able to use my considerable social skills to be able to attract and find quality women. I want to be able to have a full and confident life. To define these goals down, by quality I mean attractive, interesting women who fit my needs and personality. I want many women. I am not ready to settle down as I have a life to build first but I want to be able to choose and have fun. By full and confident I mean to have a life full of positive activity and events and be able to move through life with the true core belief that I can accomplish anything and to be able to possess what I want and desire with out any apologies. I want no boundaries either of my minds making or societies making. I want to be able to possess and develop clean confident habits and morals.
In order to achieve this goal I need a plan that will keep me focused and enable me to learn the skills. I want to start slow and start right. I want to use baby steps. I want to be able to keep this plan simple and flexible. As currently I am a man of limited means I have to be able to do this on the cheap at first. later as my business becomes more successful I can focus more time on the individual aspects within and be able to devote more time and resources to this plan.
I realize that this is going to be a hard and sometimes painful process but I will never give up.
I want to be a Master.
In order to achieve this goal I need a plan that will keep me focused and enable me to learn the skills. I want to start slow and start right. I want to use baby steps. I want to be able to keep this plan simple and flexible. As currently I am a man of limited means I have to be able to do this on the cheap at first. later as my business becomes more successful I can focus more time on the individual aspects within and be able to devote more time and resources to this plan.
I realize that this is going to be a hard and sometimes painful process but I will never give up.
I want to be a Master.
Typical
Before I go into more depth about myself I want to talk about one of my weaknesses.
I have an annoying habit of starting a new pursuit or passion and learning every damn thing I can. I can hear you saying "that's not a weakness". Well, In my case it is. I start off setting a goal and then voraciously devour every piece of information and knowledge i can, Before I even Start.
So what typically happens is that I never even take the first step. Its like that in the recesses of my mind I think that I have to be an expert before I take that first step, and that can be paralysing. I have found that in business or pleasure it is best just to jump in and just do it. Start running until you hit the first wall and then learn. Then repeat. Usually by the time you look up you have come so far and learned so much. Experience is the great teacher.
I set a goal to learn pick up to increase the amount of women in my life. I have always had a few women in my life at any given time but my success rate with these women is low. I bang one and blow out five. Every night for the past month I have devoted an hour or more to studying the seduction arts. I am very analytical and pride myself on my ability to learn and learn I have. I almost foolishly feel like an expert. The problem is I have not even taken a full first step and that is typically my problem. The classic Armchair General.
Once I get started (Usually at the prodding of mentors or business partners) I am unstoppable.
I'm starting now. My next post will be my goal broken down into actions.
I have an annoying habit of starting a new pursuit or passion and learning every damn thing I can. I can hear you saying "that's not a weakness". Well, In my case it is. I start off setting a goal and then voraciously devour every piece of information and knowledge i can, Before I even Start.
So what typically happens is that I never even take the first step. Its like that in the recesses of my mind I think that I have to be an expert before I take that first step, and that can be paralysing. I have found that in business or pleasure it is best just to jump in and just do it. Start running until you hit the first wall and then learn. Then repeat. Usually by the time you look up you have come so far and learned so much. Experience is the great teacher.
I set a goal to learn pick up to increase the amount of women in my life. I have always had a few women in my life at any given time but my success rate with these women is low. I bang one and blow out five. Every night for the past month I have devoted an hour or more to studying the seduction arts. I am very analytical and pride myself on my ability to learn and learn I have. I almost foolishly feel like an expert. The problem is I have not even taken a full first step and that is typically my problem. The classic Armchair General.
Once I get started (Usually at the prodding of mentors or business partners) I am unstoppable.
I'm starting now. My next post will be my goal broken down into actions.
11.15.2008
Future Posts
In the next few posts I want to give a bit more background about myself and the method I am studying.
I am also batting around the idea of expanding this journal to include my hobbies and professional life and personal goals.
Stayed tuned.
I am also batting around the idea of expanding this journal to include my hobbies and professional life and personal goals.
Stayed tuned.
11.14.2008
So it all hasn't been blow outs. There are a few women on my plate right now so to try and keep my mind clear I will list them here, where I'm at with each, what mistakes I have made, and where I'm going next.
Lets start with;
AD, 20 years old, Hired Gun, Day time. AD is a cute and spunky girl with loads of personality. I met her while she was working. I build some rapport by going to her work a few times and slowly building conversation and attraction. Number closed. Have not called. Sent her a few teasing texts while I was in her store the last time. She has been giving me IOI's like stating she is single in one of our first friendly conversations without a prompt by me. She has recently asked in a round about way if I am a player. She has also IOI'ed me with our age difference. I'm 32. She has been tough to pin down for a meet however because we both work completely different hours and have an almost non-existent window in which to meet. As far as my method I have build good attraction but most likely not enough comfort. I feel I am at a stage where I might be chasing too much and making her the prize. I really want to move this forward but need to get her chasing me.
RL, 26. Social Circle. Was introduced to her by a mutual friend one night after work and spent an hour hanging with her. Number closed. Texted and set up a meet but she flaked. I need to get away from the text game and man up to make a call. I need to build more comfort and work for the meet when the time is right.
DD, 18. Hired Gun, Day. I love this young girls personality it is a one in a million personality but I think she just might be too immature and a super flake because of it. She is hot! I met her in a very similar way as AD and followed the same format. Number Closed. Have texted her a few time to test her flakiness. I'm not sure where to go with her.
SC, 26. Social Circle. Met her at a party my neighbor threw. The whole time she was there I thought she was with a certain man until she made it very clear with me in conversation that they are in no way together. Number closed her as she was leaving shortly after. Never had time to build attraction or comfort. Never called her but went out with them all again the next weekend. Started to build comfort but ran into a massive gay cock block by the dude she was with at the party the weekend before. This one I am letting die as it is in a social circle that I don't want to make any waves in.
KH, 24. Met in a professional capacity and have been getting IOI's. Moving very, very slow on this one.
As I look back over what I just typed I am thinking a few things. One, due to my very busy lifestyle I may have to focus mostly on day game and fit night game in where I can. Two, I don't think I am at where I need to be on my approaching. I need to find ways to fit it into my daily routine so that I can really learn. I know from experience that I need to go petal to the metal and learn. In other words just do it. Just throw myself at this and fail and hit the walls. Life is all walls. You hit them and don't stop until you find a way over, around, or through. Once past one wall you run hard until you hit another and rinse and repeat.
Lets start with;
AD, 20 years old, Hired Gun, Day time. AD is a cute and spunky girl with loads of personality. I met her while she was working. I build some rapport by going to her work a few times and slowly building conversation and attraction. Number closed. Have not called. Sent her a few teasing texts while I was in her store the last time. She has been giving me IOI's like stating she is single in one of our first friendly conversations without a prompt by me. She has recently asked in a round about way if I am a player. She has also IOI'ed me with our age difference. I'm 32. She has been tough to pin down for a meet however because we both work completely different hours and have an almost non-existent window in which to meet. As far as my method I have build good attraction but most likely not enough comfort. I feel I am at a stage where I might be chasing too much and making her the prize. I really want to move this forward but need to get her chasing me.
RL, 26. Social Circle. Was introduced to her by a mutual friend one night after work and spent an hour hanging with her. Number closed. Texted and set up a meet but she flaked. I need to get away from the text game and man up to make a call. I need to build more comfort and work for the meet when the time is right.
DD, 18. Hired Gun, Day. I love this young girls personality it is a one in a million personality but I think she just might be too immature and a super flake because of it. She is hot! I met her in a very similar way as AD and followed the same format. Number Closed. Have texted her a few time to test her flakiness. I'm not sure where to go with her.
SC, 26. Social Circle. Met her at a party my neighbor threw. The whole time she was there I thought she was with a certain man until she made it very clear with me in conversation that they are in no way together. Number closed her as she was leaving shortly after. Never had time to build attraction or comfort. Never called her but went out with them all again the next weekend. Started to build comfort but ran into a massive gay cock block by the dude she was with at the party the weekend before. This one I am letting die as it is in a social circle that I don't want to make any waves in.
KH, 24. Met in a professional capacity and have been getting IOI's. Moving very, very slow on this one.
As I look back over what I just typed I am thinking a few things. One, due to my very busy lifestyle I may have to focus mostly on day game and fit night game in where I can. Two, I don't think I am at where I need to be on my approaching. I need to find ways to fit it into my daily routine so that I can really learn. I know from experience that I need to go petal to the metal and learn. In other words just do it. Just throw myself at this and fail and hit the walls. Life is all walls. You hit them and don't stop until you find a way over, around, or through. Once past one wall you run hard until you hit another and rinse and repeat.
11.09.2008
Try, Try, Again
I went out last night again this time with some friends.
The approach anxiety hit me hard at first and I pussed out for ten minutes. Finally I manned up and started to approach.
I got blown out 8 straight times.
What did I learn? To be honest I couldn't tell you what I was doing wrong. I am disappointed in myself that I used a crutch. I told myself that I would not drink and did after the first few attempts. I guess it cant all be bad, I approached.
The approach anxiety hit me hard at first and I pussed out for ten minutes. Finally I manned up and started to approach.
I got blown out 8 straight times.
What did I learn? To be honest I couldn't tell you what I was doing wrong. I am disappointed in myself that I used a crutch. I told myself that I would not drink and did after the first few attempts. I guess it cant all be bad, I approached.
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